American Madness

Ahh the world of instant gratification. At midnight last night, I thought it would be a good idea to start a podcast covering the events of the transit strike. At 3:30 am, I had one.

I want to have wordpress’ babies.

All the hundreds of fans who packed the Philadelphia streets Saturday for an open casting call for extras for the new Rocky movie needed was a picture, a resume and a simple message that would have made the fictional ex-champ proud: “Yo, pick me!” Fifteen years after starring in Rocky V, Sylvester Stallone is reprising his role as the boxing champ from South Philadelphia in the upcoming movie “Rocky Balboa.”

I didn’t know Rocky was getting back into the ring, did you? I thought Rocky V showed an aging, brain-damaged puncher who was headed for an early demise. How can this character perform a comeback?

Does Balboa move around the ring with a cane? A walker? Does he wear Depends?

If he was finished in 1991, how does the 2006 version fight anyone with a pulse? Maybe that’s it: Rocky fights Max Schmelling. With one hand behind his back. No problem, because one good kick and Schmelling’s bones will role off the canvas.

I’d pay to see Rocky kick Max Schmelling’s bones. I’d also pay to see Rocky fight in one of those motorized wheelchairs that run over your toes. That hasn’t happened to you? Just wait.

Rocky was a great series that jumped the shark after Mr. T’s Clubber Lang. I wish they wouldn’t keep these things going on and on forever like they did with Planet of the Apes.

First came the great Charlton Heston movie. Then came the the great sequel where the world blew up. Then the next one where the Apes went back in time….well, that was pretty bad. Then the fourth one where the apes stated a small boutique in Bloomington, Indiana which grew and grew until it was able to take on WalMart…I thought the whole premise was unrealistic. Apes hate Indiana.

I hope Rocky fights Dr. Zais. I’d pay to see that. The could both trip over Max Schmelling’s bones, and then the Ape could throw a bone up in the air like one did in 2001: A Space Odyssey. A great monolith could rise from the center of the ring, and Sylvester Stallone could be shown as a space baby, sucking his thumb.

I’d pay to see that.

I thought that once you publish a book, the next order of business is to propel yourself into the life of the touring author: parties, book signings, adulation and groupies (with teeth, preferably).

What has surprised me about the launch of Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools (St. Martins Press) is the complete lack of sock-em, rock-em excitement. Yes, you conduct interviews, but they are by telephone, which you can do in your underwear while your dog farts next to you (a picture of this very thing is on page 63 of Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, St. Martins Press).

And yes, you do sign autographs in stores, which the publisher encourages you to do. But unless you are a BIG author, no one shows up to your book signings, and you end up sucking on Cheese Doodles with very bored looking cashiers who want you to stop telling them what?s on page 63 of Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools (St. Martins Press).

So what?s the upside? Well, when you go to your class reunion, you can say ?I?m a writer?, to which the reply might be, ?great, did you bang Cameron Diaz?? Always say yes, except when talking to Cameron Diaz?s father.

(more…)

Good news! Now you can help advance the cause of medical science, even after you’re dead!:

A biological anthropology professor at the University of Northern Iowa, Tyler O’Brien, envisions turning some prime pasture in the Midwestern state into a body farm, where human bodies — buried, stuffed in car trunks or exposed to the elements — can provide scholars and criminalists with new benchmark data on human decay.

“This idea has strong scientific value,” O’Brien said. “To answer the question of how long a body has been dead, how long a person has been missing, is critical to criminal investigations.”

O’Brien is seeking a grant of $400,000 to $500,000 from the National Institute of Justice and other organizations to obtain the land and set up the project.

This is big! And it brings up a number of valid concerns:

(more…)

Yesterday, I was catching up on my backlog of podcasts from ITConversations, and heard an interesting piece on biotechnology.

The interviewer (Dr. Moira Gunn) was speaking with the Senior Vice President of BioGaia, Anders Zachrisson, about their discoveries and products. Zachrisson and co. are using so called “good bacteria” to counter digestive tract infections with “bad bacteria.” In particular, Lactobacillus reuteri eradicates Helicobacter pylori. Translated to english, that means that a helpful, natural bacterial that resides in our digestive tract can kill off a nasty ulcer and cancer causing bacteria that was previously only treatable with massive doses of antibiotics; antibiotics which many strains of the bug are quicky developing a resistance to.

Their clinical results have been incredibly positive, with a high cure rate and zero side effects.

In a strange coincidence, as I was listening to this yesterday, two Australian researchers were being awarded the Nobel Prize for their discovery that bacteria cause ulcers. That discovery has lead to the development of treatments such as L. reuteri, and will change the way modern medicine treats ulcers and other digestive tract ailments.

Italy is the first market to allow the usage of L. reuteri, and it’s already helping millions of people there. It’ll be interesting to see how long it takes the product to make it’s way through the FDA approval process here in the US.

• Listen to the interview