American Madness

In 1998 President Clinton discreetly got a BJ in his office. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the best thinking on his part to do this while on the phone with some other world leaders, but hey, no one lost their life over it.

Months later, when this news leaked out, the Republicans (and folks at Fox News) flipped, they saw weakness and they struck. Not only did they run every one of their campaigns since 1998 on Family Values and their moral superiority (as they continue to do), but they called for Clinton to be impeached. And, as we all know, this was not just the public, this was everyone.

Clinton getting a little something-something under his desk was such a scandal that the Republicans in office thought they might actually have a chance to impeach the president. While they failed at doing so (as they should have), they were able to create a platform to run on for the next presidential election and a core set of beliefs that made them appear superior to enough people to keep them in office for a while.

The Republican Machine saw the President’s screw-ups (no pun intended) as a chance to build up their own platform; not just with subtle innuendo during their campaigning, but by making it a national issue for everyone to see.

Now, let’s fast forward to 2005. President Bush has just acknowledged that the WMD’s that we were positive were in Iraq, thus prompting us to go to war in 2003, well, they may not be there after all. Oh and those close ties that Iraq had with Osama may not exist either, and that Mission Accomplished banner, well, it may have been a White House PR faux pas, but who are they to take credit for their mistakes?

So, at this point in 2005, we are now aware as a country that we have been lied to not once, but at least a few times already about this war we are involved in. Okay, cool, time for the White House to make it up to us, right? Maybe call back some of our troops, tell France and Germany they were right in the first place and that this was an unjustified war, and basically ease off a little, right? Well, apparently not, instead it is time to increase troops in Iraq. And we see this tactic again and again. We fucked up, something is going wrong, let’s increase troops.

Fast forward to 2007. The Democrats have finally gotten power back in the House and the Senate. The people have decided they are tired of the B.S. we are being fed on a daily basis by the people in power and want to see a change. Instead, what do we get? Lies from the Attorney General about firing judges because they were a bit more Democrat then the Republicans liked. The President allowing “behind closed door” testimony to Rove and Miers in the same scandal, essentially so they would not tarnish their names too badly when they ran for re-election. As well as a number of other Presidential blunders, including threats to Congress if they did not back his plans for escalating the effort in Iraq.

Now I ask: Where are the calls for impeachment? Our current President is not only doing serious damage to our country and our relations with foreign nations, but also causing the deaths of thousands in Iraq (as of today at least 3320, while we wait on confirmation from the Department of Defense on another 12).

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You can’t make this up!

The NYTimes reports on the large peaceful uprising in Najaf.

The story includes this photo caption:

Col. Steven Boylan, an American military spokesman and aide to the commander of all American forces in Iraq, praised the peaceful nature of the demonstration, saying Iraqis “could not have done this four years ago,” the A.P. reported.

So…the peaceful nature of the protest is…wait for it!….wait for it!…evidence that our occupation has been fruitful! I love it!

I guess if the Iraqi rebellion were to build an atomic weapon and detonate it on a major U.S. city, the Bush administration would praise it as a sign of increasing Iraqi technological sophistication under our occupation! “It’s a clear sign that we’ve made inroads in improving the educational system,” says Col. Ima Flunky.

Guantánamo Detainees Stage Hunger Strike
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/09/us/09hunger.html?hp

Torture continues. Say what you want about the Khmer Rouge, the Hutu/Tootsie massacres, even the Stalinist purges, at least many of these atrocities were carried out in hot blood. Not so the current U.S. policy for Guantanamo detainees, which reminds me of a line from the movie Payback: “I’ll make this last 3 weeks,” says a mafia boss to a man from whom he is trying to beat information. “I’ll give you a blood transfusion to keep you alive.”

Even as detainees attempt to protest their horrendous, inhumane, sadistic treatment with hunger strikes, as they perhaps attempt to end their lives, our government does not allow that to happen. While not bringing charges against these men, they instead strap them into full body restraint chairs and force feed tubes down their nostrils. Does anyone doubt that this is yet another form of torture?

You know what? If this is what we’ve sunk to, if this is the state of our democracy, maybe we deserve what we get.

…to feel better about the direction of humanity.

Today we learn that:

The Irish are getting along
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/27/opinion/27tue3.html

Cruelty against animals may no longer be chic in corporate America
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/28/business/28burger.html?hp

New York has beaten back the Wal-Mart monolith
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/28/business/28retail.html?hp

and…

The White House is running scared from what appear to be its own lies
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/27/opinion/27tue1.html

Straight Shooter

A visibly embarrassed Dick Cheney Monday apologized to his close friend for shooting him in a bizarre hunting-related accident.

“I’m really sorry. I thought he was carrying a weapon of mass destruction,” said Cheney. “Contrary to what some of you all are saying out there, I didn’t shoot him because he was a lawyer.”

Cheney peppered his friend, Austin attorney Harry Whittington, with buckshot as the two attempted to flush out a covey of quails, or perhaps a bevy, said one source who wasn’t sure what to call “a bunch of stupid birds hopping around in a thicket.” The 78-year-old was in stable condition at an area hospital.

“I always was a pain in Dick’s butt,” said Whittington. “Now he’s a pain in mine.”

Whittington was lucky, White House personnel said. Cheney, also called “Heart Attack” and “Stent Boy” by his Secret Service guards is constantly surrounded by some of the world’s best medical personnel. And Democrats noted the Vice President shoots about as well as he conducts foreign policy.

Cheney agreed his buddy of many years got off lightly and then told reporters to leave him alone.

“Heck, it’s not like I stripped him of his citizenship and shipped him off to the land of his ancestors to be tortured. Would you lighten up and go write about Mohammed cartoons for Chrissakes,” he barked at reporters.

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Mobile’s Burning
Oh, arsonists. Yoo hoo!!!

Yes, you boys in Alabama. The ones with matches and extra gas cans in the back of your rickety pickup truck.

The Feds want to talk to you. Yes. Just talk. It’s safe to come out now or give them a call, maybe meet over a double latte at Starbucks in Mobile. They’re not at all interested in maybe, well, arresting your keesters for having burned down 10 churches.

One other thing, you stupid sickos. They really seem empathetic to you and appreciate the fact that you haven’t killed anyone.

Want their phone number?

I was in Greensboro, North Carolina when I noticed the man wearing a Waffle House camouflage tee shirt.

I asked, ?Is that from the Waffle House that makes waffles? Or is this a new code word for AK47s.?

The Waffle man laughed, put his gun down, and said, ?yernot from roundhere, ryoo??

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All the hundreds of fans who packed the Philadelphia streets Saturday for an open casting call for extras for the new Rocky movie needed was a picture, a resume and a simple message that would have made the fictional ex-champ proud: “Yo, pick me!” Fifteen years after starring in Rocky V, Sylvester Stallone is reprising his role as the boxing champ from South Philadelphia in the upcoming movie “Rocky Balboa.”

I didn’t know Rocky was getting back into the ring, did you? I thought Rocky V showed an aging, brain-damaged puncher who was headed for an early demise. How can this character perform a comeback?

Does Balboa move around the ring with a cane? A walker? Does he wear Depends?

If he was finished in 1991, how does the 2006 version fight anyone with a pulse? Maybe that’s it: Rocky fights Max Schmelling. With one hand behind his back. No problem, because one good kick and Schmelling’s bones will role off the canvas.

I’d pay to see Rocky kick Max Schmelling’s bones. I’d also pay to see Rocky fight in one of those motorized wheelchairs that run over your toes. That hasn’t happened to you? Just wait.

Rocky was a great series that jumped the shark after Mr. T’s Clubber Lang. I wish they wouldn’t keep these things going on and on forever like they did with Planet of the Apes.

First came the great Charlton Heston movie. Then came the the great sequel where the world blew up. Then the next one where the Apes went back in time….well, that was pretty bad. Then the fourth one where the apes stated a small boutique in Bloomington, Indiana which grew and grew until it was able to take on WalMart…I thought the whole premise was unrealistic. Apes hate Indiana.

I hope Rocky fights Dr. Zais. I’d pay to see that. The could both trip over Max Schmelling’s bones, and then the Ape could throw a bone up in the air like one did in 2001: A Space Odyssey. A great monolith could rise from the center of the ring, and Sylvester Stallone could be shown as a space baby, sucking his thumb.

I’d pay to see that.

Good news! Now you can help advance the cause of medical science, even after you’re dead!:

A biological anthropology professor at the University of Northern Iowa, Tyler O’Brien, envisions turning some prime pasture in the Midwestern state into a body farm, where human bodies — buried, stuffed in car trunks or exposed to the elements — can provide scholars and criminalists with new benchmark data on human decay.

“This idea has strong scientific value,” O’Brien said. “To answer the question of how long a body has been dead, how long a person has been missing, is critical to criminal investigations.”

O’Brien is seeking a grant of $400,000 to $500,000 from the National Institute of Justice and other organizations to obtain the land and set up the project.

This is big! And it brings up a number of valid concerns:

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Ever eat a lemon?

Picture a series of lemon-eating, funky-lip faces, a wonderful Andy Warhol montage. I would pay $400 Zlotys to see it at New York’s Whitney Museum. I would pay $280 Zlotys to see it at the San Antonio Museum for the Arts. In Burkina Faso you might have to pay me to see it, as there is no direct flight and the rebels have captured all the artists.

I once read that Texas dentists were trying to get children to stop eating lemons. There is a tradition of Southwest lemon eating that goes back generations: cut a hole in a lemon, shove in some dried, salted piece of fruit called “Chinese candy,” and then squeeze the tangy, salty juice all over your tounge and your fringed rodeo shirt and your alligator boots and everything else you?ve got on.

Well it seems lemon eating plays hell with your tooth enamel, and Texans have been urged by their dentists to cease and desist and watch Lemony Snicket movies instead. Which is not to say that Jim Carey is a favorite of Lone Star dentists either, but at least he doesn?t promote tooth decay. They think.

On the other hand, a chat room poster I know named Green Hell reminds us that ?lemons rock, brilliant when your slamming tequila and you just eat one! Gobble…?

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Today I visited the Motor Vehicle Division to renew my driver’s license. I thought the photo came out a little better than most:

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