Enron End Run
Richard Causey copped a plea.
The Enron accountant pleaded guilty to two counts of securities fraud and conspiracy and one count of being fat. He must now help convict former bosses Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, who were the Smartest Guys in the Room, not the heftiest.
Causey had cause to rat on his former superiors. One, he didn?t want to become a love muppet for other sleazy white collar criminals; instead, prosecutors promised to send him to Folsom Prison in time for the next Johnny Cash concert. Two, Lay and Skilling tormented Causey unmercifully about his weight. Now revenge is sweet, as were the 12 cupcakes Causey downed between each meal.
Causey is a strange character in this drama. Unlike the greedy mofos he worked for, he did not skim off the top of shady deals. Unlike Lay, he never sold really crappy potato chips that bleed potato grease even through six-ply toilet paper. And unlike Skilling, he never lied to everyone he ever met about everything, including the true meaning of the name Enron (Skilling would tell people that Enron meant ?bright and shining future? when it really meant ?Shareholder Enema?).
Attorneys feel that Causey?s plea means bad news for Skilling and Lay. Duh.
?Causey was privy to many inside conversations when it came to cooking the books,? said former U.S. prosecutor Hiram L. Ropeshingle. ?Obviously, Lay liked his books slightly salted, while Skilling denied the existance of books or accounting or even former U.S. prosecutors. Causey just liked to cook things. He was, you know, fat.?
Causey?s move from defense to prosecution could change the legal strategy for Skilling and Lay.
Lay had planned to say that he forgot fraud was illegal, while Skilling planned to deny fraud, illegality, and Lay. Now they have to deal with a fat angry witness who, if he goest to jail, may see a decrease in his daily muffin allotment.
?Causey’s really pissed over those muffins,? said Ropeshingle. ?Who knows what he?ll say.?
The trial begins Jan 30, with Lay and Skilling considered slight underdogs. Give three points and take Prosecution to win. Pre-game show begins 12:30. Color Commentary provided by O.J. Simpson. See you at the game!
