Boomers and What They Lick
There is the old joke about a couple of men at a party watching the dog of the house as he licked his private parts.
?I wonder why he does that,? one wondered.
The other smiled and said ?Because he can.?
The one who smiled was obviously a boomer. Why? Because boomers know everything. Ask them. The ?Me Generation? are the smartest people ever, smarter than their stupid Greatest Generation parents who only won a World War or Two, and certainly smarter than Generation X, Generation Y, Generation Potty Pants (ages 1-3) and Generation Sperm.
For example, Boomers invented environmentalism. That?s right, there was no such thing as enviromentalism until Boomer Black Panthers Huey Lewis and the News castigated a stoner who littered at Woodstock.
?Don?t put that shit over there, man,? they said.
The stoner said, ?chill out, man, I?ll put my butt in the can.?
Since they were all stoned, they all laughed hysterically when they realized ?butt? and ?can? were used in the same sentence. But the concept of putting refuse in the right place caught on, until creepy latch-key Generation X kids started to throw their older brother?s eight track tapes onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
Boomers still show their love for the environment every day. Did you know Boomers invented recycling? It?s true. A boomer invented the system where garbage is put into yellow or blue boxes which match the awnings of most fourteen bedroom McMansions. This is much more sensitive than Greatest Generation parents who even now throw used crutches and bedpans onto I-95 between Boca Raton and Miami (otherwise known as Bedpan Alley).
Boomers have gone so far as to promote actual trips to the town dump. You can see them in their environmentally-friendly PanzerTank Model SUVs, hauling Amazon.com boxes and attempting to toss them into large green containers that are already overly stuffed with other Amazon.com boxes so they bounce right back to the ground.
But do Boomers leave those Amazon.com boxes there? Well, yes they do, but only because their backs hurt from lifting Generation Y kids all those years. And also from lifting Generation Potty Pants kids (from mature, Viagra-swilling Boomer dads) who think a trip to the dump is a great opportunity for just that.
There are many other things that Boomers have invented ? narcissism, home equity loans, the ability to raise just one eyebrow like Spock ? but they are too numerous to mention. Suffice it to say, Boomers are smarter than you, and if you yourself are a Boomer, remember that with practice and three years of Yoga, you soon might be able to lick your private parts, too.
